"Psalm 39:4 ☆"

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"Show me, LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is."

My name is Grace. I love writing, photography, and wearing cardigans.

Welcome to my first Project 365. Although my 365 is now over, feel free to look around. :) After a break from shooting, I plan to start a new photography project for 2012. Stay tuned!

Start: January 2, 2011
End: January 1, 2012

Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/writrgrl/


Theme by Day LP.
1st
January

0 notes
365/365 Wow. Here we are. Ultimately, I expected to feel different, changed, maybe, at the end of this project. Documenting a year of your life sounds intimidating, but it also needled me to try harder, to live more, so that I would have something to show for each day. Truthfully, I know I could’ve done more. I should have done more this year. I let several opportunities pass me by and let many things go unsaid. I have changed. I’ve made mistakes, and I have stumbled hard, but I still wouldn’t have had so many adventures without taking a chance and trusting God to reveal Himself to me. My 365 has chronicled a year of emotional growth that turned spiritual. I started to question things I had always taken for granted and I began to dig. I stood in a stranger’s driveway in Washington state, starting at Mt. Rainier in the distance, majestic and silent, ever-watchful, larger than any man-made or natural structure I had ever seen, and suddenly I knew that God was bigger than what I imagined, He was greater than what we believed. We can only understand a tiny piece of His power, and I have learned that each day is a gift from Him. We expect to wake up tomorrow, but no one knows the future. Embrace it, take advantage of it, live your life wide open. If you want to do something, do it. This world is enormous, and we’re only a pinprick in the entire galaxy. There are mountains to climb, oceans to jump in, delicious food to eat, beautiful people to meet.  Psalm 98: 7-9 says, 7 Let the sea resound, and everything in it,    the world, and all who live in it. 8 Let the rivers clap their hands,    let the mountains sing together for joy; 9 let them sing before the LORD,    for he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness     and the peoples with equity. God is not only in us - He is out there.  And we have to experience it to experience Him.  Finally, I have to admit, I never thought I’d get here. I figured I’d give up on this project about a month or so in, but somehow, I kept going. So thank you, all. From my friends and family who graciously let me rope them into letting me spray them with water or throw mud on them or drag them outside in the rain and snow to take a picture, to my friends and followers on Tumblr and Flickr - I honestly couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And hopefully, I will be starting another photography project soon, but not before a short break.  Here’s to 2012! And here’s my challenge to you: live it, and live it fully. 
31st
December

2 notes
363/365 Tonight I met up with my dad’s side of the family. After dinner, we ended up watching a DVD of my grandpa’s 75th birthday that one of my cousins had converted from an old video tape. I was eight years-old and singing my head off throughout the entire video. Both my grandpa and grandma passed away just a few years after the video was taken, so it was rather surreal to watch my grandpa blow out his birthday candles and play with my younger brothers as my grandma prepared his birthday dinner in the kitchen. I was kind of taken off-guard by it, because it was as if for a moment they were still alive and well, just sitting next to us.  Afterwards, we played “Quelf.” I believe I’ve already posted about the boardgame a few months back, but it’s one of my favorites. 
29th
December

3 notes
362/365 K.  “So. Think you’re going to marry him?” “No. I mean, I don’t really want to think about it right now.” She hugged herself, pulling her small shoulders closer together. For a moment, I almost thought she was going to fold in and disappear. “A lot of our friends have started getting engaged. But not us. Not…for a long while.” Our breath hovered on the back steps, wafting into fog up and away from us. The road glittered in an icy sheet under the street lamps, dangerously beautiful, enticing. I glanced down at my gloved hands, muted to a dull, sallow yellow by the light, then shoved them into my pockets.  “Ah.” There wasn’t much else to say - no, there was everything to say. I hated him, and she knew it. We all did.  “Yeah. Anyway, he’ll be coming in tomorrow. Then we’re heading up to his parents’.” Righteous fury simmered - I had only had her to myself for a few hours, after not seeing her for months. Was this all I was to be allowed? Because of him, is this all I could expect? The future raised its ugly head and I backed away from it, suddenly guilty. “When will you be back?”  “After Christmas. Then we’re leaving again for New Year’s.” What if she was walking down the aisle? I couldn’t say it now, so how would I say it then? Would I smile the entire time, calmly zip up my bridesmaid’s dress and tell her she was heartbreakingly lovely in her white gown -  “We?” “Yeah, he’s coming back in with me.” - and then at the very end, when the priest called for objections, throw my flowers into the air and scream that this was all wrong, that he was all wrong, that we were all grinning through a horrible, disgusting joke?  “Oh, okay. Cool,” I forced out, stumbling over my words. Both of us looked away. “Screw this, Erica,” she snapped, running a hand through her hair. “Don’t act like you’re excited. I know you’re not. No one is. I love him, okay? Is that not good enough? Is nothing I do - ” her voice rose, shattering the quiet, destroying the otherwordly silence created by the snow, ugly, so suddenly ugly - “good enough for you people? Godammit, is it not enough that he cares about me?” “Woah, nobody said - “ “You don’t have to say it!” She rubbed her forehead now, wincing. “God, you all frustrate me so much - I can tell, okay? You think you can just sit there and glare at him when you think I’m not looking, but I see it. I see how you all look at him.”  I stared at the snow-covered deck, my boot tracing a pattern against two pieces of wood. “He can just be a little…overwhelming, you know.” “A little overwhelming?” she asked, mouth tight in disbelief. “Well maybe, you know, it’s a little overwhelming for him to come here, where everyone for some reason hates him when he hasn’t done anything wrong, when he’s done so much - “ “But that’s just it,” I interjected, tears abruptly at the corners of my eyes, burning. I wiped them away hurriedly - why was I upset? I had nothing to be upset about. It was her, no it was all him - “He’s done all those things, but I don’t think he cares. He does things, like he’s on display, but then they seem fake, forced. Like he’s trying to buy us. Like he’s trying to buy you.” She stared at me. “You don’t mean that.” I was crying again, shaking my head. “We’ve all - I’ve been trying to tell you, I’ve wanted to tell you - “ “I think I’ve heard enough.” I didn’t even try to stop her as the door slammed, shaking slush from the railing, rattling the planks beneath my feet.  Would I stand up at her wedding? Would anyone?  But now I wouldn’t be there, I had assured that much.  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. But the words floated up, up, disappearing into the snow. 
28th
December

5 notes
361/365 Today was one of my younger brother’s birthdays. It was also the first day I’ve seen snow this winter. Recently, I’ve been forcing myself to actually sit down and write because I’ve fallen into a sad routine of staying in my pajamas all day while drinking coffee and watching Downton Abbey.  J.  “Let me see your phone.” I snatched the phone from his hands, settling back into the blankets. Our knees rested against each other on the couch as we huddled around the small screen, perusing through his photo album.  His breath was warm in my hair. I should’ve moved away, I thought absently. I should’ve sat up straighter, put a few inches of appropriate distance between us. Maybe I should’ve straightened my sweater. But that would mean accepting there was cause to move, and that would imply something - emotion? Ulterior motives? Desire? Unsaid words? Problems. If I shifted, it would be my surrender - it would mean more than two human beings curled together on a couch, elbow to elbow.  “So,” I asked nonchalantly, as the picture of a girl I didn’t know flashed up on the screen, “how’s the love life?”  He snorted. “Well, there was someone, and then there wasn’t. We decided we were better off as friends.” Why couldn’t it be that simple? I wondered. Why was there always another distracted layer of thinking cluttering up into my head like a fog? Why couldn’t things just be? Why can’t you just be my best friend’s brother? When you watch someone grow up, it’s almost impossible to view them as something more than extension of your own self, as if they’ve become your own arm, one of your own limbs. They become wallpaper on the rooms of your past, always present, but never beckoning a second glance. They belong to you and don’t belong to you, they are family and not family, they are gray area, the thin line on the horizon separating what is above and what is below, what is one and not another, they are an if.  If.  But what if he could? We were huddled together in a blanket, laughing and eating cold cheese sticks, marinara sauce smeared up our arms, and it was pure. It was true, unadulterated. I was with a man and for the first time I didn’t feel as if I were lying.  “Same here,” I murmured, handing him back his phone. Our fingers touched briefly, his rough thumb cracked sandpaper against my palm and I felt -  Nothing. No flicker of excitement, no leaping heartbeat, no poetic thrill jangling up through my ribs, no jolt in my gut to betray me, just a glorious nothing. “There was a guy. We were, and then we weren’t.” 
28th
December

1 note
360/365 I watched this movie tonight with one of my guy friends. Out of all my friends, he definitely has the best taste in movies, and whenever he suggests we watch something, I know it’ll be at least very interesting, if not very good. After watching Mr. Nobody, I commented that it was impossible to not “actively” watch. During some movies you can let your mind wander and still finish it feeling entertained, but this one, you had to strive the entire time to piece the plot together. I felt mentally drained at the end. I’m still not sure if I exactly liked it or not, but like I said before, it was interesting and something different.  On my way home, I found myself wondering about the “butterfly effect.” I don’t believe anything ever happens merely by chance, and I thought about how often we almost get in accidents, but survive. The car swerves a little, we narrowly miss a pedestrian, we almost run a red light, but most of the time no one ends up hurt. And then we never think about those moments again, when if things could have gone just a tiny bit differently, we might not be the same. After considering this, I was suddenly hyper-aware of the snow on the road and my grip on the wheel. If my tires started to skid, if there was black ice I couldn’t see, what if just like that I was gone?  There are so many things I haven’t done or said. Tonight, I decided to let go of some of them. I decided to let go of a mistake I made months ago that I have been beating myself up about ever since. My heart has been conflicted since October, but things are over between me and that person. I guess they weren’t ever started to begin with, so I’m letting it go. I’m moving forward. 
26th
December

1 note
359/365 Bring the nicotine, I’ll bring the wine. - Jesse Thomas, “You I Want” This is grainy and blurry and I was running out of daylight, but I like it. 
26th
December

6 notes
358/365 Merry Christmas! Yesterday, the majority of my extended family crowded into my parents’ small house. While everyone else was cooking inside, some of the other kids and I escaped outside. (Yes, I still associate myself with the kids.) This is me and one of my younger brothers - I can’t believe he’s taller than me now! They grow up so fast. After running around the yard for awhile, we ate, laughed, and unwrapped presents until we all finally crawled into bed well after midnight.  Before I went to sleep, I started reading Radical by David Platt. I got through several chapters before I realized there was no way I could continue without taking notes. Guys, this book is already blowing my mind. So often I struggle to combine my idea of “Christmas” Jesus with “Easter” Jesus. One’s a helpless little baby and one’s my Savior. But they are both one in the same, although I’ve found more people are willing to embrace “Christmas” Jesus because that manifestation of Him is non-threatening and cuddly. It’s definitely easier to accept Jesus as a cute little baby rather than God Himself - and then as I was reading Radical, Platt happened to mention that we don’t accept Jesus. He pulls us to Him, because Jesus isn’t just sitting there waiting and hoping that we are kind enough to invite Him into our hearts. No, He moves in us even before we know Him. He changes our hearts to crave new life. Saying that we “accept” Jesus puts us in a position of power over Him, over the Being that Created us. Acting as if Jesus is sweet and adorable and non-threatening in His little manger puts us in a position of power in our own minds as well. Like I said, I’ve got to start taking notes because so many different thoughts were flooding through my brain at once as I was reading this section. 
24th
December

Notes
357/365 “I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” - John 10:10 Tomorrow, we celebrate the birth of a baby born to die so that we might live. Tomorrow, although not the true day Jesus was born, represents the greatest show of love the universe has ever seen. Merry Christmas Eve.